No sex before marriage is an outdated idea. Surely a trial marriage makes sense? Before we make a lifelong commitment, we want to check that out?

"Sexual incompatibility" is a brilliant invention - it has tricked countless women into having sex before they really wanted to. (And perhaps men.) But does it exist? Where is the evidence?

Today, more than ever before, many of your friends have slept with several different partners. Ask them about sex. Do they ever say "Ah, yes, shame about X - we were sexually incompatible?" No! They look at you in surprise and say "Oh, sex is just sex, pretty much the same with whoever".

There are still many countries which practise "arranged marriages". Did you ever hear of such a couple seeking a divorce because of "sexual incompatibility"?

Making love, like persuading, or arguing, or kissing, is not a matter of compatibility - it will work with anyone. But it IS something you gradually get better at with your partner, as you develop skill and come to understand them better. If you're going to marry someone, you have two choices.

One is to make the commitment first, unite yourselves together for ever, promise each other lifelong fidelity. (That is marriage - it means "tied together for life" - it has nothing to do with getting a signed piece of paper. Who cares about papers?) Then, in the security of that promise, you can begin your mutual sex life, experimenting gently and lovingly as you gradually discover what your partner enjoys.

The other is to make it a test! You can say to your partner "Well, let's have sex a few times and see if it's good enough. If not, we won't get married. You have to reach a reasonable standard if I am to marry you."

Which do you think is more likely to succeed?

OK, you're thinking, but surely it's necessary to find out if we can live together? Not just sex - suppose she can't stand my farts, or whatever?

Oh, YES! Indeed you must find out. Remember that old-fashioned thing there used to be called an "engagement"? Remember how Joseph was "betrothed" to Mary? An engagment went on for months. It was a time when you could be together often, even go on holiday together, eat meals together, cook for your beloved, discover your tastes and your ideals. There certainly are things that can make you incompatible! If she wants children and you don't - it won't work. If you want to live near your mother in Italy and he doesn't - ...

But to discover those things you don't need to move in together or have sex. Strangely enough, it's actually EASIER to get to know someone when you're not cohabiting. For example: suppose his frequent swearing really upsets and embarrasses you? It's much harder to tell him when you're already living together - he'll be in a bad temper over it for hours or days, and you have nowhere to go. So you bottle it up and say nothing, and he doesn't find out for ages.

But won't I be a clumsy ignoramus if I'm a virgin on my wedding night?

Yes - and your partner will love it to pieces! People are so sweet when they're naive and learning. ... Or would you rather have your beloved say "Mm, that was nice, you're as good as Robin was"?

Ever wonder why Christian marriages last longer than non-Christian ones?

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